Funny Guide to Online Dating

I recently signed up for one of those online dating services run by the guru of dating "Bill Gates." Let's face it, if this guy didn't have millions of dollars he would be sitting on the couch next to you playing Doom all night trying to steal glimpses of your Mom's huge butt. Instead he is busy making software which works most of the time. So I was ready to post an ad and have hundreds of eager sexually deprived females teasing me with massages, naughty messages and an occasional session of "no strings attached" fun in bed. Like many other things this plan did not turn out as expected.

First I took the straightforward approach and posted an unflattering picture and honest profile. I might as well of farted at a bar and asked the girl next to me to determine what I had for lunch. This is a great pick up gimmick guys. It works every time. Just make sure she is greased with three or four shots of Patron first. Well as you can expect I felt like I was hitchhiking through the desert with carloads of hot nude woman driving by laughing at me. This sham taught me that it was time to change my tactics and get me a real live girl.

So I decided to experiment by posting under different users with or without pics and I changed some of my settings. I changed my age higher and lower and wrote a few different profiles. I put away all my Star Trek and X-men action figures and bought a bottle of Old Spice. As SpongeBob would say "I'm ready!"

My first prospect emailed me almost instantly. She was, according to her profile, a divorced 36 year old workout-aholic who liked getting tattoos, walking in the sunset and drinking fine wine. The problem was that she was responding to an ad that I had posted a picture of Brad Pitt and detailed my career as an international renowned Formula One driver and philanthropist. How could I cover my you know what and get her to pay for dinner?

I set up a meeting at a local bar and gave a general description of myself. I put on one of my Dad's moth balled vintage suits and set out to meet my dream girl. I casually sat at the bar and asked the bartender to put a lime in my drink so that it looked like gin and tonic. After what seemed like lifetime a woman walked in scanning the bar and looking like a card carrying member of the AARP. This woman must have come straight out of a Sunrise Living Center and I think she meant alcoholic rather than workout-aholic. Still I figured why not just go through with this and see what happens. Maybe she has a younger daughter.

I introduce myself and she looked startled. "I thought that you would be younger," she said. "Younger I thought? This lady was certainly older than my mom. Who is she dating?" We began to converse and to my surprise she offered me a drink. Something about her seemed odd to me but I could not put my finger on it. After about 10 minutes of small talk she bluntly asked me to go home with her. I felt like I was in the middle of a Viagra commercial. I mean sure she was old and a bit strange but I figured why not. She went to the bathroom and then this gorgeous woman walked into the bar. This woman walked straight over to me and introduced herself as the woman from the online dating service. Now what was I going to do? This woman was amazing and she looked eager. I thought fast and told her that one of my mother's friends was at the bar and was drunk. I explained how I had offered to drive her home.

I knew that my gentlemanly sacrifice would score me some serious gallant points with my new girl. She said that she understood and would be happy to go along with us. I tried to shake her but she wasn't biting. I could have bailed at this moment on both of them but I figured why not stick with this self made ridiculous charade. Besides she might be up for a threesome. When my first date got back from the bathroom I winked at her and said that this other woman would be joining us. She looked pleasantly surprised.

There were some tense moments while we were walking to the car but I managed to hold my web of lies together. I drove the older lady's sweet late model Benz and she directed me to a gated community and a huge well manicured home. She invited us all in and although my other date hesitated she finally conceded after some cajoling.

We settled in with some drinks from a well stocked bar and my two dates seemed to be hitting it off nicely. This was all going to work out just fine. Then to my surprise this lady pulled out a box of pot and we all started to get high. This was some wicked stash and I felt a bit loopy. I was still able to start putting the moves on my younger date. The only problem was that the older lady was jumping right in on the action. Soon some of our clothes were off and I was stripped. Yeah this was going to be one amazing evening. Soon I was watching the two of them writhing and cooing on the coach and I began to drift off.

Imagine my shock when I was being awakened the next morning by a stern hysterical older man. I jumped up holding a pillow over my privates while a woman and three teenage daughters snickered in the doorway. "Who are you and what are you doing in our home?" the man demanded. I told him about what happened the night before in grim detail. Apparently the women had bolted on me and took my clothes in the middle of the night. It took some time but I convinced him of my story and why he should not call the cops.

So the next time you put yourself in a prime position with some unknown date predators beware. You could end up like me, naked, broke and almost in jail. And by the way I never got the chance to be with either the hot chick or the old hag. So I unboxed my action figures and my mom felt so sorry for me she bought me Madden 08. Anyway I'm back to dating online and I am having so much fun ditching bad dates with the check at fine restaurants.